Another move, another chapter. You would think I'd be used to it by now, but although your head knows from experience it'll be OK, and you tell yourself things like "this is part of being in the military," "you'll meet more people," and "the true friends you have made will always be there," your heart still aches and feels a bit heavier. Knowing those things doesn't change the fact that they are people you are going to miss... it doesn't change the fact that your 8-year-old son is scared about moving to another place-- another country, and worried about having to make friends again. I guess I'm worried about alot of the same things too.
It always seems when I finally start to find my niche its time to leave again. Even leaving some of the people from my last deployment was tough. The bond you can make with someone in just six short months, due to the environment and situation you are in, is amazing. I get it, don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. I signed up for this and I will go wherever the military decides I'm needed. To be honest I don't even like the area I'm stationed at now, but for me it's never been the place that makes a place home. Its the people, the relationships, the interactions you have, and the experiences that truly matter.
Bittersweet is a good word for it. Now it's time for me to stop crying and being sad (cause I am), there's no time for that, it's time to pack.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Transitioning Home
My brother just returned from a deployment to Afghanistan. He turned 20 years old while there. It was his first deployment and I did my best to prepare him for his experience, but you can never fully prepare someone as each deployment is unique to the person in the midst of it. Every experience shapes a person differently because the life you have lived thus far affects your actions and way of thinking. He let me in on more going on there than anyone back home but that’s only because he felt I could understand since I’ve been the military for 12 years and had returned from Afghanistan a few months before he arrived there.
He has now been back to his home station for a month and although I tried my best once again to prepare him for the transition of being back home, I don’t think it really hit him that it really is a “transition” and not an automatic “everything is the same now that I’m home” until he started having anxiety attacks. Anxiety attacks, from someone who just returned from a deployment? Weird right? Obviously not because many have heard about the difficulties servicemembers face when they return from war zones, but what’s important to note is we’re still not where we need to be with providing military members information and tools necessary to know that this is normal, that they are not going to get in trouble if they let people know they are struggling, and that needing help during the transition home isn’t a career ender. Sadly my brother only knew he was experiencing anxiety attacks because he finally Googled his symptoms. He then only let me know because I have made it my business to be his military mentor so he felt I would understand and know what to do.
The red flag and what scares me isn’t the anxiety attacks, it’s the fact that if he didn’t have me to go to, he wouldn’t have told ANYONE. He was worried there would be repercussions.
We had a long conversation where I explained to him that isn’t the case. I let him know about various options for counseling such as Mental Health (which some servicemembers fear because everything is documented) to Chaplains (where information is kept confidential). I let him know they ARE options and to never feel you have to keep quiet about needing help. When we were done I could almost feel the sigh of relief that he let it out when I told him, “Hey, this is normal.”
You would think people like my brother would know this already because we hear stories all the time. But when it’s actually YOU experiencing it, you find yourself thinking that only people who have experienced the absolute extreme go through difficulties, and that your experience doesn’t fit the bill. You feel that what you went through wasn’t horrific enough, and you don’t see yourself in the same category as the publicized stories you hear. You understand that you’ve been through some stuff and seen some stuff, but you tell yourself it’s different and you should be fine. This is one of the reasons so many ignore the signs and don’t tell anyone.
My brother will now receive the help he needs, but what about those without a sister who happens to be in the military with similar experiences? Well if you’re in the military, have the candid talks with your troops before, during and after a deployment. Be that person for them—it’s your duty. You may be the only person they feel can understand.
If you are a non-military person and they go to you, be there for them but understand that all the love in the world may not be enough. If you truly care for that person you will acknowledge when you are out of your league and direct them to also seek the assistance from the entities equipped to help in these situations.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
PFC Manning fiasco
I seriously wonder if people truly understand the ramifications of what they are saying when they say they are for Manning. In case you haven't heard anything about what I'm referencing read the story I linked to below:Manning’s personal struggles key to defense
Ok now that, that's out of the way, here's why I think it's ridiculous for people to support him. Yes, I understand that the American public has to right to know certain things, but if our government and military was completely transparent with everything, then we could NOT effectively protect American lives from people and countries that want to harm us and the American way of life.
You cannot have it both ways. The principle is what is on trial here. If you say it's ok for someone with a security clearance to divulge information they are privy to, you are effectively saying we might as well not have security clearances and you are effectively saying complete transparency with other governments is acceptable.
In a perfect world sure, but that is not the reality of the world we live in, and the U.S.'s obsession with knowing everything, puts the lives of Americans at risk-- the lives not only of the ones who serve, but also the lives of the people our military is duty-bound to protect. If you truly want to protect our freedoms, siding with someone who pretty much betrayed our government's trust isn't the way to do it... it's actually putting our freedoms at jeopardy.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Not having another child
Sigh
The question has come up again and this time from my 8-year-old son. Everyone seems to think that I should have another child because that of course would be great... right? Well, not so much for me.
My son wants me to have another child so he has a playmate and he is the only reason I go through stages where I feel horrible for denying him a sibling. Everyone else on the other hand (especially mothers) look at me like something is wrong with me when I say I'm done having children. I do not feel horrible about others, but a wide array of emotions smack me in the face when those people tell me...over and over again... that I should have another child.
It's not that I don't love children because I do. It's not because I don't think about holding a new baby of my own and experiencing once again the mother-child bond that can never be replaced, but my main reason is the military and I have a problem with people who make me feel like I'm a bad mother for that-- because trust me they are people who make me feel less than a woman for the decisions I have made in my life.
My original plan was to have two children. And I wanted my children two to three years apart. Actually to be more specific, in a perfect world I would have adopted my second child, but that wasn't and still isn't in the cards for my family.
My husband and I are both in the military and we are both in career fields that deploy often. When I first joined I felt that having two children would not be an issue. Yes, if I deployed I would miss them but deploying is part of my military obligation, it's part of my duty. I signed up to serve my country so I can and I will deal with it the best way possible. Yes, that all still holds true but now that I have my son Tyler and know the parts of a new baby's life I could possibly miss I'm not willing to have another child. I have my son Tyler who can communicate with me, unlike a baby, and that's already hard enough on both of us.
Don't get me wrong this isn't a "woe is me" moment. I choose this life, but I struggle enough with putting my 8-year-old through constant separations and it isn't easy. We do all we can to make it as bearable as possible, my husband and I try are best to give him structure and routine, but the truth of the matter is there has been many times-- at a moments notice-- mommy or daddy have to go and sometimes we're gone at the same time. My son has already had to live with his grandma and grandpa (from my husband's side) for more than 5 months, and another time recently with my mom for 8 months because both my husband and I were deployed.
So I have made a conscious decision that the times I am home, my focus is my son-- my one and only child. The child who I can communicate with during my absences. My son, who has despite everything, has adapted incredibility well to the life my family lives.
I decided I don't want to, at this stage in my life, bring another child into this mix because if I do I'm seriously thinking about getting out of the military, but the truth of the matter is I feel I am MEANT to be in the military. I want to serve and make a difference.
Yes, I go through stages where I wanna cry and give up. Leaving my son last time for 8 months because I had to go to Afghanistan was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my time with my son is about quality not quantity. Many times I feel judged by stay at home spouses who look at me and say "I don't know how you do it, I can't even leave my child overnight." I applaud those women for what they do, but some say it in such a way that they make it seem that I'm this horrible person for serving in the military.
I have many times heard questions and statements like "How can you do it?" "Don't you miss him?" and the always great "I don't understand how you can leave your child, I could never do that. I love my children too much." Sometimes I want to reply "Duh, of course I miss him" but then I'm seen as a bitch. Never once does the person saying that realize what insensitive questions some of those are. One of those questions for example implies I actually may not miss my amazing little boy. Here's what I think about that. Some moms can be with their children 24/7 and be horrendous moms, while some with their children all the time are amazing.
So guess what, just because my life is different from yours please don't make me feel like I'm a bad mother. It's like anything else-- some women who have time-demanding jobs are great mothers, and yes... some suck. I LOVE my son to no end, and I feel that my serving isn't against him, it's for him. I'm actively affecting the world he lives in by doing my part. You affect the world your child lives in a different way. Neither more honorable or better.
I struggle and beat myself up enough as is, so I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So when you ask me, are you gonna have any more children and I answer no, do me a favor and don't gasp with a look of horror on your face. We need to all be supportive of each other, because none of our jobs are easy. So military women, take comfort in knowing that you can serve and be a great mother. Military spouses be the best parent you can and please help support all those who do serve to include military moms. And to all with any association in supporting the military know that I applaud you for your sacrifice, whatever that sacrifice may be.
Also for the record, my son and I just had the conversation about having another child. He now understands that if I had a child now, the baby wouldn't really be a playmate because of the age difference they would have. We agreed that we'd try our best for him to have more sleepovers. Him and I together work on solutions to him being an only child and in a military family.
The question has come up again and this time from my 8-year-old son. Everyone seems to think that I should have another child because that of course would be great... right? Well, not so much for me.
My son wants me to have another child so he has a playmate and he is the only reason I go through stages where I feel horrible for denying him a sibling. Everyone else on the other hand (especially mothers) look at me like something is wrong with me when I say I'm done having children. I do not feel horrible about others, but a wide array of emotions smack me in the face when those people tell me...over and over again... that I should have another child.
It's not that I don't love children because I do. It's not because I don't think about holding a new baby of my own and experiencing once again the mother-child bond that can never be replaced, but my main reason is the military and I have a problem with people who make me feel like I'm a bad mother for that-- because trust me they are people who make me feel less than a woman for the decisions I have made in my life.
My original plan was to have two children. And I wanted my children two to three years apart. Actually to be more specific, in a perfect world I would have adopted my second child, but that wasn't and still isn't in the cards for my family.
My husband and I are both in the military and we are both in career fields that deploy often. When I first joined I felt that having two children would not be an issue. Yes, if I deployed I would miss them but deploying is part of my military obligation, it's part of my duty. I signed up to serve my country so I can and I will deal with it the best way possible. Yes, that all still holds true but now that I have my son Tyler and know the parts of a new baby's life I could possibly miss I'm not willing to have another child. I have my son Tyler who can communicate with me, unlike a baby, and that's already hard enough on both of us.
Don't get me wrong this isn't a "woe is me" moment. I choose this life, but I struggle enough with putting my 8-year-old through constant separations and it isn't easy. We do all we can to make it as bearable as possible, my husband and I try are best to give him structure and routine, but the truth of the matter is there has been many times-- at a moments notice-- mommy or daddy have to go and sometimes we're gone at the same time. My son has already had to live with his grandma and grandpa (from my husband's side) for more than 5 months, and another time recently with my mom for 8 months because both my husband and I were deployed.
So I have made a conscious decision that the times I am home, my focus is my son-- my one and only child. The child who I can communicate with during my absences. My son, who has despite everything, has adapted incredibility well to the life my family lives.I decided I don't want to, at this stage in my life, bring another child into this mix because if I do I'm seriously thinking about getting out of the military, but the truth of the matter is I feel I am MEANT to be in the military. I want to serve and make a difference.
Yes, I go through stages where I wanna cry and give up. Leaving my son last time for 8 months because I had to go to Afghanistan was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my time with my son is about quality not quantity. Many times I feel judged by stay at home spouses who look at me and say "I don't know how you do it, I can't even leave my child overnight." I applaud those women for what they do, but some say it in such a way that they make it seem that I'm this horrible person for serving in the military.
I have many times heard questions and statements like "How can you do it?" "Don't you miss him?" and the always great "I don't understand how you can leave your child, I could never do that. I love my children too much." Sometimes I want to reply "Duh, of course I miss him" but then I'm seen as a bitch. Never once does the person saying that realize what insensitive questions some of those are. One of those questions for example implies I actually may not miss my amazing little boy. Here's what I think about that. Some moms can be with their children 24/7 and be horrendous moms, while some with their children all the time are amazing.
So guess what, just because my life is different from yours please don't make me feel like I'm a bad mother. It's like anything else-- some women who have time-demanding jobs are great mothers, and yes... some suck. I LOVE my son to no end, and I feel that my serving isn't against him, it's for him. I'm actively affecting the world he lives in by doing my part. You affect the world your child lives in a different way. Neither more honorable or better.
I struggle and beat myself up enough as is, so I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So when you ask me, are you gonna have any more children and I answer no, do me a favor and don't gasp with a look of horror on your face. We need to all be supportive of each other, because none of our jobs are easy. So military women, take comfort in knowing that you can serve and be a great mother. Military spouses be the best parent you can and please help support all those who do serve to include military moms. And to all with any association in supporting the military know that I applaud you for your sacrifice, whatever that sacrifice may be.
Also for the record, my son and I just had the conversation about having another child. He now understands that if I had a child now, the baby wouldn't really be a playmate because of the age difference they would have. We agreed that we'd try our best for him to have more sleepovers. Him and I together work on solutions to him being an only child and in a military family.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
RIP. Alot of time has passed/Update
Wow, my last post was August 2010. So much has happened since then. I'm not going to try and explain the last year and a half, but since my last post was about how amazing the guys from 3rd group are, it only seems fitting I give an update on their loss... actually scratch that OUR loss-- America's loss.
From left to right: Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, Sgt. 1st Class Martin R. Apolinar and Sgt. Aaron J. Blasjo. The fallen were members of Operational Detachment Alpha 3333, Company C, 3rd Battalion, 3rd SFG (A) and were killed in combat May 29.
Since this happened earlier this year, May 29, 2011, I'm going to use excerpt from a commentary I wrote to explain it and then a a personal note from my Facebook since that was how I felt at that time. Not that anything's changed, but it was raw emotion then. Now it's just emotional.
An excerpt from my commentary that gives a description of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, a man I'm honored to have known:
"Three amazing men, U.S. Army Green Berets, recently died in an Afghanistan IED blast. One I didn't know, one I knew in passing, and one was someone I playfully called a cross between Eddie Munster and the guy from Twilight (because of his bright eyes). You'd probably think so too if you saw how he looked in person and maybe even add the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland because he was always smiling a huge grin that came easily and often. His name was Marty."
The next excerpt mentioned the other men lost from that unit that day. And not only did my heart cry for them, but also for those that knew them. They have lost SO many! I can't imagine how the deaths of so many friends affects someone. I wasn't exactly in the best shape when I found out and I only knew him from one deployment. It hurt so much and I didn't even have the bonds his brothers-in-arms and friends had with him.
"I was attached to people who are the heroes we read about. And if I wasn't here at XXXXX, part of the unit I'm in, I wouldn't have made lasting friendships. I wouldn't have those still in Afghanistan who I worry and pray for every day. Even though that's not easy, I wouldn't change knowing them. I am a better person for it. However much on the sidelines, whether I was allowed a glimpse into their world, or had the door actually opened with others, I "get" the bonds they share. I cried for the loss of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, U.S. Army Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, and U.S. Army Sergeant Aaron Blasjo, and then I cried for all the others we lost before them. My heart broke when I heard the news of their deaths, which ironically occurred on Memorial Day weekend. Their deaths scared me because there are others in Special Forces who I am closer to."
Ok now here's my personal note on FB. This is what I felt the day I found out.
I Don't Get It
June 2, 2011 at 10:33pm
I got on my knees to pray, to ask God to look after them
I asked to help the families and the brothers in arms
I started out... reaching out... to God
but as I prayed I couldn't lie to Him or myself
I don't get it, I don't understand
Everything happens for a reason right?
A greater good? An end result we can't see?
but I DON'T GET IT
I can usually come up with a far fetched reason why things are ok,
and will get better,
but right now I DON'T GET IT
I'm not trying to be a disobedient daughter Lord
I'm just trying to make sense where I see none
I can't see the why and I have to ask, why pray if they die anyway?
I'm sure they had people to pray for their safety ...
but it didn't work
I DON'T GET IT
Those remaining do I pray for them? Do I ask for their safe return?
Does it help?
I have and I will,l but now I doubt cause God--
forgive me for saying this--
... I truly don't get it
I can't see why he had to go, I can't see why they weren't spared
I can't see why we have war,
but despite what comes with it I will never turn my back,
and I'm willing to go too
I will follow my brothers and sisters to the end
if that's what it takes for our freedoms
but that doesn't mean I GET IT,
it just means I care and will do my part
Cause I'm struggling with this one and I don't get it
... not sure I ever will
Ok so that's my update. There's been other things, other struggles, and things I have learned from my experience there. I keep in touch with a number of the guys and the brief time (in the the larger scope of things) seems like an eternity, because I truly love them and will always be there for any that need me. Maybe it's not the same for them, but it doesn't matter. That deployment affected me cause the reality of what they go through, and what they do, reached to the core of my soul.
From left to right: Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, Sgt. 1st Class Martin R. Apolinar and Sgt. Aaron J. Blasjo. The fallen were members of Operational Detachment Alpha 3333, Company C, 3rd Battalion, 3rd SFG (A) and were killed in combat May 29.Since this happened earlier this year, May 29, 2011, I'm going to use excerpt from a commentary I wrote to explain it and then a a personal note from my Facebook since that was how I felt at that time. Not that anything's changed, but it was raw emotion then. Now it's just emotional.
An excerpt from my commentary that gives a description of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, a man I'm honored to have known:
"Three amazing men, U.S. Army Green Berets, recently died in an Afghanistan IED blast. One I didn't know, one I knew in passing, and one was someone I playfully called a cross between Eddie Munster and the guy from Twilight (because of his bright eyes). You'd probably think so too if you saw how he looked in person and maybe even add the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland because he was always smiling a huge grin that came easily and often. His name was Marty."
The next excerpt mentioned the other men lost from that unit that day. And not only did my heart cry for them, but also for those that knew them. They have lost SO many! I can't imagine how the deaths of so many friends affects someone. I wasn't exactly in the best shape when I found out and I only knew him from one deployment. It hurt so much and I didn't even have the bonds his brothers-in-arms and friends had with him.
"I was attached to people who are the heroes we read about. And if I wasn't here at XXXXX, part of the unit I'm in, I wouldn't have made lasting friendships. I wouldn't have those still in Afghanistan who I worry and pray for every day. Even though that's not easy, I wouldn't change knowing them. I am a better person for it. However much on the sidelines, whether I was allowed a glimpse into their world, or had the door actually opened with others, I "get" the bonds they share. I cried for the loss of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, U.S. Army Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, and U.S. Army Sergeant Aaron Blasjo, and then I cried for all the others we lost before them. My heart broke when I heard the news of their deaths, which ironically occurred on Memorial Day weekend. Their deaths scared me because there are others in Special Forces who I am closer to."
Ok now here's my personal note on FB. This is what I felt the day I found out.
I Don't Get It
June 2, 2011 at 10:33pm
I got on my knees to pray, to ask God to look after them
I asked to help the families and the brothers in arms
I started out... reaching out... to God
but as I prayed I couldn't lie to Him or myself
I don't get it, I don't understand
Everything happens for a reason right?
A greater good? An end result we can't see?
but I DON'T GET IT
I can usually come up with a far fetched reason why things are ok,
and will get better,
but right now I DON'T GET IT
I'm not trying to be a disobedient daughter Lord
I'm just trying to make sense where I see none
I can't see the why and I have to ask, why pray if they die anyway?
I'm sure they had people to pray for their safety ...
but it didn't work
I DON'T GET IT
Those remaining do I pray for them? Do I ask for their safe return?
Does it help?
I have and I will,l but now I doubt cause God--
forgive me for saying this--
... I truly don't get it
I can't see why he had to go, I can't see why they weren't spared
I can't see why we have war,
but despite what comes with it I will never turn my back,
and I'm willing to go too
I will follow my brothers and sisters to the end
if that's what it takes for our freedoms
but that doesn't mean I GET IT,
it just means I care and will do my part
Cause I'm struggling with this one and I don't get it
... not sure I ever will
Ok so that's my update. There's been other things, other struggles, and things I have learned from my experience there. I keep in touch with a number of the guys and the brief time (in the the larger scope of things) seems like an eternity, because I truly love them and will always be there for any that need me. Maybe it's not the same for them, but it doesn't matter. That deployment affected me cause the reality of what they go through, and what they do, reached to the core of my soul.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I am better for knowing them
So it's been awhile and so much has happened. There are so many little stories and experiences that I'm not sure where to begin or how to give the update. I guess I'll start with the fact that I'm humbled and I have met some amazing people. I'm attached to a Special Forces here so I am proud to say I know a number of Green Berets. I have to admit all things considered they don't really fit into what I would have stereotyped them as, had I done that (which I didn't).
The dedication to the mission they have is amazing and we (Americans) no matter how you feel about having the U.S. in battle could learn a thing or two about selflessness, camaraderie, and fortitude from these guys. My life is richer at having met these amazing individuals and while I now know some details and stories, there not my stories to tell. Instead I just want to say give a prayer and thanks to those who have given their all because we owe a debt of gratitude for their commitment.
Much love to 3rd Special Forces Group as you head home, we'll see if those coming in, 7th Group, measure up to the amazing people I have met so far.
The dedication to the mission they have is amazing and we (Americans) no matter how you feel about having the U.S. in battle could learn a thing or two about selflessness, camaraderie, and fortitude from these guys. My life is richer at having met these amazing individuals and while I now know some details and stories, there not my stories to tell. Instead I just want to say give a prayer and thanks to those who have given their all because we owe a debt of gratitude for their commitment.
Much love to 3rd Special Forces Group as you head home, we'll see if those coming in, 7th Group, measure up to the amazing people I have met so far.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Moment of Truth
So I'm waiting to board my plane to Afghanistan. It's time for my training and my love for my country to put itself to the test. I made a number of phone calls to family and friends while I've been waiting for my flight, which of course is delayed almost 2 hours as the military is all about hurry up and wait =). Alot of people have been asking me if I'm scared or worried and some of my friends (mainly those in the military) have asked in addition to those questions if I'm excited. The answer is a combination. I'm excited to go start my mission and do my part, but at the same time I'd be a fool if I wasn't somewhat worried. Does the worry consume me? No. I have to have faith that I'll be ok. I have to be positive and not lose sight of my mission because nothing is gained by stressing and dwelling on negative things.
I'm as ready as I'll be mentally. I've said my farewells, I'm gonna miss my son terribly (actually I already miss him a bunch since I haven't seen him for a month and a half), but I'm ready to go and do my job.
Well I gotta run for now. once I have communication assigned in country i will update what I can. The saga begins.
I'm as ready as I'll be mentally. I've said my farewells, I'm gonna miss my son terribly (actually I already miss him a bunch since I haven't seen him for a month and a half), but I'm ready to go and do my job.
Well I gotta run for now. once I have communication assigned in country i will update what I can. The saga begins.
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