Another move, another chapter. You would think I'd be used to it by now, but although your head knows from experience it'll be OK, and you tell yourself things like "this is part of being in the military," "you'll meet more people," and "the true friends you have made will always be there," your heart still aches and feels a bit heavier. Knowing those things doesn't change the fact that they are people you are going to miss... it doesn't change the fact that your 8-year-old son is scared about moving to another place-- another country, and worried about having to make friends again. I guess I'm worried about alot of the same things too.
It always seems when I finally start to find my niche its time to leave again. Even leaving some of the people from my last deployment was tough. The bond you can make with someone in just six short months, due to the environment and situation you are in, is amazing. I get it, don't get me wrong I'm not complaining. I signed up for this and I will go wherever the military decides I'm needed. To be honest I don't even like the area I'm stationed at now, but for me it's never been the place that makes a place home. Its the people, the relationships, the interactions you have, and the experiences that truly matter.
Bittersweet is a good word for it. Now it's time for me to stop crying and being sad (cause I am), there's no time for that, it's time to pack.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Transitioning Home
My brother just returned from a deployment to Afghanistan. He turned 20 years old while there. It was his first deployment and I did my best to prepare him for his experience, but you can never fully prepare someone as each deployment is unique to the person in the midst of it. Every experience shapes a person differently because the life you have lived thus far affects your actions and way of thinking. He let me in on more going on there than anyone back home but that’s only because he felt I could understand since I’ve been the military for 12 years and had returned from Afghanistan a few months before he arrived there.
He has now been back to his home station for a month and although I tried my best once again to prepare him for the transition of being back home, I don’t think it really hit him that it really is a “transition” and not an automatic “everything is the same now that I’m home” until he started having anxiety attacks. Anxiety attacks, from someone who just returned from a deployment? Weird right? Obviously not because many have heard about the difficulties servicemembers face when they return from war zones, but what’s important to note is we’re still not where we need to be with providing military members information and tools necessary to know that this is normal, that they are not going to get in trouble if they let people know they are struggling, and that needing help during the transition home isn’t a career ender. Sadly my brother only knew he was experiencing anxiety attacks because he finally Googled his symptoms. He then only let me know because I have made it my business to be his military mentor so he felt I would understand and know what to do.
The red flag and what scares me isn’t the anxiety attacks, it’s the fact that if he didn’t have me to go to, he wouldn’t have told ANYONE. He was worried there would be repercussions.
We had a long conversation where I explained to him that isn’t the case. I let him know about various options for counseling such as Mental Health (which some servicemembers fear because everything is documented) to Chaplains (where information is kept confidential). I let him know they ARE options and to never feel you have to keep quiet about needing help. When we were done I could almost feel the sigh of relief that he let it out when I told him, “Hey, this is normal.”
You would think people like my brother would know this already because we hear stories all the time. But when it’s actually YOU experiencing it, you find yourself thinking that only people who have experienced the absolute extreme go through difficulties, and that your experience doesn’t fit the bill. You feel that what you went through wasn’t horrific enough, and you don’t see yourself in the same category as the publicized stories you hear. You understand that you’ve been through some stuff and seen some stuff, but you tell yourself it’s different and you should be fine. This is one of the reasons so many ignore the signs and don’t tell anyone.
My brother will now receive the help he needs, but what about those without a sister who happens to be in the military with similar experiences? Well if you’re in the military, have the candid talks with your troops before, during and after a deployment. Be that person for them—it’s your duty. You may be the only person they feel can understand.
If you are a non-military person and they go to you, be there for them but understand that all the love in the world may not be enough. If you truly care for that person you will acknowledge when you are out of your league and direct them to also seek the assistance from the entities equipped to help in these situations.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
PFC Manning fiasco
I seriously wonder if people truly understand the ramifications of what they are saying when they say they are for Manning. In case you haven't heard anything about what I'm referencing read the story I linked to below:Manning’s personal struggles key to defense
Ok now that, that's out of the way, here's why I think it's ridiculous for people to support him. Yes, I understand that the American public has to right to know certain things, but if our government and military was completely transparent with everything, then we could NOT effectively protect American lives from people and countries that want to harm us and the American way of life.
You cannot have it both ways. The principle is what is on trial here. If you say it's ok for someone with a security clearance to divulge information they are privy to, you are effectively saying we might as well not have security clearances and you are effectively saying complete transparency with other governments is acceptable.
In a perfect world sure, but that is not the reality of the world we live in, and the U.S.'s obsession with knowing everything, puts the lives of Americans at risk-- the lives not only of the ones who serve, but also the lives of the people our military is duty-bound to protect. If you truly want to protect our freedoms, siding with someone who pretty much betrayed our government's trust isn't the way to do it... it's actually putting our freedoms at jeopardy.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Not having another child
Sigh
The question has come up again and this time from my 8-year-old son. Everyone seems to think that I should have another child because that of course would be great... right? Well, not so much for me.
My son wants me to have another child so he has a playmate and he is the only reason I go through stages where I feel horrible for denying him a sibling. Everyone else on the other hand (especially mothers) look at me like something is wrong with me when I say I'm done having children. I do not feel horrible about others, but a wide array of emotions smack me in the face when those people tell me...over and over again... that I should have another child.
It's not that I don't love children because I do. It's not because I don't think about holding a new baby of my own and experiencing once again the mother-child bond that can never be replaced, but my main reason is the military and I have a problem with people who make me feel like I'm a bad mother for that-- because trust me they are people who make me feel less than a woman for the decisions I have made in my life.
My original plan was to have two children. And I wanted my children two to three years apart. Actually to be more specific, in a perfect world I would have adopted my second child, but that wasn't and still isn't in the cards for my family.
My husband and I are both in the military and we are both in career fields that deploy often. When I first joined I felt that having two children would not be an issue. Yes, if I deployed I would miss them but deploying is part of my military obligation, it's part of my duty. I signed up to serve my country so I can and I will deal with it the best way possible. Yes, that all still holds true but now that I have my son Tyler and know the parts of a new baby's life I could possibly miss I'm not willing to have another child. I have my son Tyler who can communicate with me, unlike a baby, and that's already hard enough on both of us.
Don't get me wrong this isn't a "woe is me" moment. I choose this life, but I struggle enough with putting my 8-year-old through constant separations and it isn't easy. We do all we can to make it as bearable as possible, my husband and I try are best to give him structure and routine, but the truth of the matter is there has been many times-- at a moments notice-- mommy or daddy have to go and sometimes we're gone at the same time. My son has already had to live with his grandma and grandpa (from my husband's side) for more than 5 months, and another time recently with my mom for 8 months because both my husband and I were deployed.
So I have made a conscious decision that the times I am home, my focus is my son-- my one and only child. The child who I can communicate with during my absences. My son, who has despite everything, has adapted incredibility well to the life my family lives.
I decided I don't want to, at this stage in my life, bring another child into this mix because if I do I'm seriously thinking about getting out of the military, but the truth of the matter is I feel I am MEANT to be in the military. I want to serve and make a difference.
Yes, I go through stages where I wanna cry and give up. Leaving my son last time for 8 months because I had to go to Afghanistan was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my time with my son is about quality not quantity. Many times I feel judged by stay at home spouses who look at me and say "I don't know how you do it, I can't even leave my child overnight." I applaud those women for what they do, but some say it in such a way that they make it seem that I'm this horrible person for serving in the military.
I have many times heard questions and statements like "How can you do it?" "Don't you miss him?" and the always great "I don't understand how you can leave your child, I could never do that. I love my children too much." Sometimes I want to reply "Duh, of course I miss him" but then I'm seen as a bitch. Never once does the person saying that realize what insensitive questions some of those are. One of those questions for example implies I actually may not miss my amazing little boy. Here's what I think about that. Some moms can be with their children 24/7 and be horrendous moms, while some with their children all the time are amazing.
So guess what, just because my life is different from yours please don't make me feel like I'm a bad mother. It's like anything else-- some women who have time-demanding jobs are great mothers, and yes... some suck. I LOVE my son to no end, and I feel that my serving isn't against him, it's for him. I'm actively affecting the world he lives in by doing my part. You affect the world your child lives in a different way. Neither more honorable or better.
I struggle and beat myself up enough as is, so I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So when you ask me, are you gonna have any more children and I answer no, do me a favor and don't gasp with a look of horror on your face. We need to all be supportive of each other, because none of our jobs are easy. So military women, take comfort in knowing that you can serve and be a great mother. Military spouses be the best parent you can and please help support all those who do serve to include military moms. And to all with any association in supporting the military know that I applaud you for your sacrifice, whatever that sacrifice may be.
Also for the record, my son and I just had the conversation about having another child. He now understands that if I had a child now, the baby wouldn't really be a playmate because of the age difference they would have. We agreed that we'd try our best for him to have more sleepovers. Him and I together work on solutions to him being an only child and in a military family.
The question has come up again and this time from my 8-year-old son. Everyone seems to think that I should have another child because that of course would be great... right? Well, not so much for me.
My son wants me to have another child so he has a playmate and he is the only reason I go through stages where I feel horrible for denying him a sibling. Everyone else on the other hand (especially mothers) look at me like something is wrong with me when I say I'm done having children. I do not feel horrible about others, but a wide array of emotions smack me in the face when those people tell me...over and over again... that I should have another child.
It's not that I don't love children because I do. It's not because I don't think about holding a new baby of my own and experiencing once again the mother-child bond that can never be replaced, but my main reason is the military and I have a problem with people who make me feel like I'm a bad mother for that-- because trust me they are people who make me feel less than a woman for the decisions I have made in my life.
My original plan was to have two children. And I wanted my children two to three years apart. Actually to be more specific, in a perfect world I would have adopted my second child, but that wasn't and still isn't in the cards for my family.
My husband and I are both in the military and we are both in career fields that deploy often. When I first joined I felt that having two children would not be an issue. Yes, if I deployed I would miss them but deploying is part of my military obligation, it's part of my duty. I signed up to serve my country so I can and I will deal with it the best way possible. Yes, that all still holds true but now that I have my son Tyler and know the parts of a new baby's life I could possibly miss I'm not willing to have another child. I have my son Tyler who can communicate with me, unlike a baby, and that's already hard enough on both of us.
Don't get me wrong this isn't a "woe is me" moment. I choose this life, but I struggle enough with putting my 8-year-old through constant separations and it isn't easy. We do all we can to make it as bearable as possible, my husband and I try are best to give him structure and routine, but the truth of the matter is there has been many times-- at a moments notice-- mommy or daddy have to go and sometimes we're gone at the same time. My son has already had to live with his grandma and grandpa (from my husband's side) for more than 5 months, and another time recently with my mom for 8 months because both my husband and I were deployed.
So I have made a conscious decision that the times I am home, my focus is my son-- my one and only child. The child who I can communicate with during my absences. My son, who has despite everything, has adapted incredibility well to the life my family lives.I decided I don't want to, at this stage in my life, bring another child into this mix because if I do I'm seriously thinking about getting out of the military, but the truth of the matter is I feel I am MEANT to be in the military. I want to serve and make a difference.
Yes, I go through stages where I wanna cry and give up. Leaving my son last time for 8 months because I had to go to Afghanistan was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my time with my son is about quality not quantity. Many times I feel judged by stay at home spouses who look at me and say "I don't know how you do it, I can't even leave my child overnight." I applaud those women for what they do, but some say it in such a way that they make it seem that I'm this horrible person for serving in the military.
I have many times heard questions and statements like "How can you do it?" "Don't you miss him?" and the always great "I don't understand how you can leave your child, I could never do that. I love my children too much." Sometimes I want to reply "Duh, of course I miss him" but then I'm seen as a bitch. Never once does the person saying that realize what insensitive questions some of those are. One of those questions for example implies I actually may not miss my amazing little boy. Here's what I think about that. Some moms can be with their children 24/7 and be horrendous moms, while some with their children all the time are amazing.
So guess what, just because my life is different from yours please don't make me feel like I'm a bad mother. It's like anything else-- some women who have time-demanding jobs are great mothers, and yes... some suck. I LOVE my son to no end, and I feel that my serving isn't against him, it's for him. I'm actively affecting the world he lives in by doing my part. You affect the world your child lives in a different way. Neither more honorable or better.
I struggle and beat myself up enough as is, so I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So when you ask me, are you gonna have any more children and I answer no, do me a favor and don't gasp with a look of horror on your face. We need to all be supportive of each other, because none of our jobs are easy. So military women, take comfort in knowing that you can serve and be a great mother. Military spouses be the best parent you can and please help support all those who do serve to include military moms. And to all with any association in supporting the military know that I applaud you for your sacrifice, whatever that sacrifice may be.
Also for the record, my son and I just had the conversation about having another child. He now understands that if I had a child now, the baby wouldn't really be a playmate because of the age difference they would have. We agreed that we'd try our best for him to have more sleepovers. Him and I together work on solutions to him being an only child and in a military family.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
RIP. Alot of time has passed/Update
Wow, my last post was August 2010. So much has happened since then. I'm not going to try and explain the last year and a half, but since my last post was about how amazing the guys from 3rd group are, it only seems fitting I give an update on their loss... actually scratch that OUR loss-- America's loss.
From left to right: Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, Sgt. 1st Class Martin R. Apolinar and Sgt. Aaron J. Blasjo. The fallen were members of Operational Detachment Alpha 3333, Company C, 3rd Battalion, 3rd SFG (A) and were killed in combat May 29.
Since this happened earlier this year, May 29, 2011, I'm going to use excerpt from a commentary I wrote to explain it and then a a personal note from my Facebook since that was how I felt at that time. Not that anything's changed, but it was raw emotion then. Now it's just emotional.
An excerpt from my commentary that gives a description of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, a man I'm honored to have known:
"Three amazing men, U.S. Army Green Berets, recently died in an Afghanistan IED blast. One I didn't know, one I knew in passing, and one was someone I playfully called a cross between Eddie Munster and the guy from Twilight (because of his bright eyes). You'd probably think so too if you saw how he looked in person and maybe even add the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland because he was always smiling a huge grin that came easily and often. His name was Marty."
The next excerpt mentioned the other men lost from that unit that day. And not only did my heart cry for them, but also for those that knew them. They have lost SO many! I can't imagine how the deaths of so many friends affects someone. I wasn't exactly in the best shape when I found out and I only knew him from one deployment. It hurt so much and I didn't even have the bonds his brothers-in-arms and friends had with him.
"I was attached to people who are the heroes we read about. And if I wasn't here at XXXXX, part of the unit I'm in, I wouldn't have made lasting friendships. I wouldn't have those still in Afghanistan who I worry and pray for every day. Even though that's not easy, I wouldn't change knowing them. I am a better person for it. However much on the sidelines, whether I was allowed a glimpse into their world, or had the door actually opened with others, I "get" the bonds they share. I cried for the loss of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, U.S. Army Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, and U.S. Army Sergeant Aaron Blasjo, and then I cried for all the others we lost before them. My heart broke when I heard the news of their deaths, which ironically occurred on Memorial Day weekend. Their deaths scared me because there are others in Special Forces who I am closer to."
Ok now here's my personal note on FB. This is what I felt the day I found out.
I Don't Get It
June 2, 2011 at 10:33pm
I got on my knees to pray, to ask God to look after them
I asked to help the families and the brothers in arms
I started out... reaching out... to God
but as I prayed I couldn't lie to Him or myself
I don't get it, I don't understand
Everything happens for a reason right?
A greater good? An end result we can't see?
but I DON'T GET IT
I can usually come up with a far fetched reason why things are ok,
and will get better,
but right now I DON'T GET IT
I'm not trying to be a disobedient daughter Lord
I'm just trying to make sense where I see none
I can't see the why and I have to ask, why pray if they die anyway?
I'm sure they had people to pray for their safety ...
but it didn't work
I DON'T GET IT
Those remaining do I pray for them? Do I ask for their safe return?
Does it help?
I have and I will,l but now I doubt cause God--
forgive me for saying this--
... I truly don't get it
I can't see why he had to go, I can't see why they weren't spared
I can't see why we have war,
but despite what comes with it I will never turn my back,
and I'm willing to go too
I will follow my brothers and sisters to the end
if that's what it takes for our freedoms
but that doesn't mean I GET IT,
it just means I care and will do my part
Cause I'm struggling with this one and I don't get it
... not sure I ever will
Ok so that's my update. There's been other things, other struggles, and things I have learned from my experience there. I keep in touch with a number of the guys and the brief time (in the the larger scope of things) seems like an eternity, because I truly love them and will always be there for any that need me. Maybe it's not the same for them, but it doesn't matter. That deployment affected me cause the reality of what they go through, and what they do, reached to the core of my soul.
From left to right: Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, Sgt. 1st Class Martin R. Apolinar and Sgt. Aaron J. Blasjo. The fallen were members of Operational Detachment Alpha 3333, Company C, 3rd Battalion, 3rd SFG (A) and were killed in combat May 29.Since this happened earlier this year, May 29, 2011, I'm going to use excerpt from a commentary I wrote to explain it and then a a personal note from my Facebook since that was how I felt at that time. Not that anything's changed, but it was raw emotion then. Now it's just emotional.
An excerpt from my commentary that gives a description of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, a man I'm honored to have known:
"Three amazing men, U.S. Army Green Berets, recently died in an Afghanistan IED blast. One I didn't know, one I knew in passing, and one was someone I playfully called a cross between Eddie Munster and the guy from Twilight (because of his bright eyes). You'd probably think so too if you saw how he looked in person and maybe even add the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland because he was always smiling a huge grin that came easily and often. His name was Marty."
The next excerpt mentioned the other men lost from that unit that day. And not only did my heart cry for them, but also for those that knew them. They have lost SO many! I can't imagine how the deaths of so many friends affects someone. I wasn't exactly in the best shape when I found out and I only knew him from one deployment. It hurt so much and I didn't even have the bonds his brothers-in-arms and friends had with him.
"I was attached to people who are the heroes we read about. And if I wasn't here at XXXXX, part of the unit I'm in, I wouldn't have made lasting friendships. I wouldn't have those still in Afghanistan who I worry and pray for every day. Even though that's not easy, I wouldn't change knowing them. I am a better person for it. However much on the sidelines, whether I was allowed a glimpse into their world, or had the door actually opened with others, I "get" the bonds they share. I cried for the loss of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, U.S. Army Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, and U.S. Army Sergeant Aaron Blasjo, and then I cried for all the others we lost before them. My heart broke when I heard the news of their deaths, which ironically occurred on Memorial Day weekend. Their deaths scared me because there are others in Special Forces who I am closer to."
Ok now here's my personal note on FB. This is what I felt the day I found out.
I Don't Get It
June 2, 2011 at 10:33pm
I got on my knees to pray, to ask God to look after them
I asked to help the families and the brothers in arms
I started out... reaching out... to God
but as I prayed I couldn't lie to Him or myself
I don't get it, I don't understand
Everything happens for a reason right?
A greater good? An end result we can't see?
but I DON'T GET IT
I can usually come up with a far fetched reason why things are ok,
and will get better,
but right now I DON'T GET IT
I'm not trying to be a disobedient daughter Lord
I'm just trying to make sense where I see none
I can't see the why and I have to ask, why pray if they die anyway?
I'm sure they had people to pray for their safety ...
but it didn't work
I DON'T GET IT
Those remaining do I pray for them? Do I ask for their safe return?
Does it help?
I have and I will,l but now I doubt cause God--
forgive me for saying this--
... I truly don't get it
I can't see why he had to go, I can't see why they weren't spared
I can't see why we have war,
but despite what comes with it I will never turn my back,
and I'm willing to go too
I will follow my brothers and sisters to the end
if that's what it takes for our freedoms
but that doesn't mean I GET IT,
it just means I care and will do my part
Cause I'm struggling with this one and I don't get it
... not sure I ever will
Ok so that's my update. There's been other things, other struggles, and things I have learned from my experience there. I keep in touch with a number of the guys and the brief time (in the the larger scope of things) seems like an eternity, because I truly love them and will always be there for any that need me. Maybe it's not the same for them, but it doesn't matter. That deployment affected me cause the reality of what they go through, and what they do, reached to the core of my soul.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I am better for knowing them
So it's been awhile and so much has happened. There are so many little stories and experiences that I'm not sure where to begin or how to give the update. I guess I'll start with the fact that I'm humbled and I have met some amazing people. I'm attached to a Special Forces here so I am proud to say I know a number of Green Berets. I have to admit all things considered they don't really fit into what I would have stereotyped them as, had I done that (which I didn't).
The dedication to the mission they have is amazing and we (Americans) no matter how you feel about having the U.S. in battle could learn a thing or two about selflessness, camaraderie, and fortitude from these guys. My life is richer at having met these amazing individuals and while I now know some details and stories, there not my stories to tell. Instead I just want to say give a prayer and thanks to those who have given their all because we owe a debt of gratitude for their commitment.
Much love to 3rd Special Forces Group as you head home, we'll see if those coming in, 7th Group, measure up to the amazing people I have met so far.
The dedication to the mission they have is amazing and we (Americans) no matter how you feel about having the U.S. in battle could learn a thing or two about selflessness, camaraderie, and fortitude from these guys. My life is richer at having met these amazing individuals and while I now know some details and stories, there not my stories to tell. Instead I just want to say give a prayer and thanks to those who have given their all because we owe a debt of gratitude for their commitment.
Much love to 3rd Special Forces Group as you head home, we'll see if those coming in, 7th Group, measure up to the amazing people I have met so far.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Moment of Truth
So I'm waiting to board my plane to Afghanistan. It's time for my training and my love for my country to put itself to the test. I made a number of phone calls to family and friends while I've been waiting for my flight, which of course is delayed almost 2 hours as the military is all about hurry up and wait =). Alot of people have been asking me if I'm scared or worried and some of my friends (mainly those in the military) have asked in addition to those questions if I'm excited. The answer is a combination. I'm excited to go start my mission and do my part, but at the same time I'd be a fool if I wasn't somewhat worried. Does the worry consume me? No. I have to have faith that I'll be ok. I have to be positive and not lose sight of my mission because nothing is gained by stressing and dwelling on negative things.
I'm as ready as I'll be mentally. I've said my farewells, I'm gonna miss my son terribly (actually I already miss him a bunch since I haven't seen him for a month and a half), but I'm ready to go and do my job.
Well I gotta run for now. once I have communication assigned in country i will update what I can. The saga begins.
I'm as ready as I'll be mentally. I've said my farewells, I'm gonna miss my son terribly (actually I already miss him a bunch since I haven't seen him for a month and a half), but I'm ready to go and do my job.
Well I gotta run for now. once I have communication assigned in country i will update what I can. The saga begins.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Quick and dirty
So there's alot to catch up on, but the internet at my training location sucks so this is going to be short and sweet! Some of the training we've had is CLS (Combat Life Savers) course where we learned care under fire, other actions for a combat environment and had to give each other IVs (which was interesting trust me!). We also had combatives were we got to got to throw other around (which was fun!) and now we're going over some basic outside the wire operations which leaves us all sweaty from running around in full battle rattle all day. All in all things have been good, I'm just waiting to finally be in country so I can figure out exactly what I'll be doing for the next six months. I'm ready to get there and work plus then the clock starts ticking for me to come back which means my countdown back to my son and husband begins!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
H.E.A.T
HMMWV Egress Assistance Trainer was on the agenda for training today and although I'm a bit beat up from it, I thought it was great initial training.
You know how at amusement parks there's those roller-coaster simulator rides, well picture that on steroids without the movie screen. You have a fire team (in full battle rattle) in a HMMWV simulator that rolls you over... and over and over... depending on the instructors' moods. Alot of times they have the smallest person up in the turret since in a rollover that person can get thrown around and a smaller person is easier for other personnel in the vehicle to secure and hold on to. Guess who was the gunner... yours truly!
Oh yeah and don't think for a moment that the vehicle rolls a couple of times and then goes upright and you get out-- not so much lol! After all the rolling it'll either be on its side or upside down. And then of course you have to make sure everyone can get out, grab equipment and weapons, then exit the vehicle tactically, ready to engage any enemy (and of course in training small arms fire is a must, as is fire and someone getting shot).
My team did a pretty good job holding on to me, but it still didn't stop the equipment flying around from hitting me once or twice or getting manhandled while they tried there best not to lose their grip as we were all tossed around... it was a great day =) It was hot with all our all gear, we were all ridiculously sweaty when we were done, but we learned something that could save our lives or someone else's. There was a bit more to it, tactics and procedure wise, but without going into unnecessary detail I think you all get the idea. My team was extra hot since I volunteered my team to demonstrate (pure selfishness on wanting to make sure my team knew enough to hold me properly and get out safe) and we did battle drills for a while.
Most people seemed to enjoy the day; part of our class went the day before and they had someone throw up and a class before us had some idiot not wear goggles so he got hit in the eye with a weapon and had to be taken to the hospital. But no one in our group today got hurt, banged up a bit.. yes, but some people loved it. Goodtimes =)
You know how at amusement parks there's those roller-coaster simulator rides, well picture that on steroids without the movie screen. You have a fire team (in full battle rattle) in a HMMWV simulator that rolls you over... and over and over... depending on the instructors' moods. Alot of times they have the smallest person up in the turret since in a rollover that person can get thrown around and a smaller person is easier for other personnel in the vehicle to secure and hold on to. Guess who was the gunner... yours truly!
Oh yeah and don't think for a moment that the vehicle rolls a couple of times and then goes upright and you get out-- not so much lol! After all the rolling it'll either be on its side or upside down. And then of course you have to make sure everyone can get out, grab equipment and weapons, then exit the vehicle tactically, ready to engage any enemy (and of course in training small arms fire is a must, as is fire and someone getting shot).
My team did a pretty good job holding on to me, but it still didn't stop the equipment flying around from hitting me once or twice or getting manhandled while they tried there best not to lose their grip as we were all tossed around... it was a great day =) It was hot with all our all gear, we were all ridiculously sweaty when we were done, but we learned something that could save our lives or someone else's. There was a bit more to it, tactics and procedure wise, but without going into unnecessary detail I think you all get the idea. My team was extra hot since I volunteered my team to demonstrate (pure selfishness on wanting to make sure my team knew enough to hold me properly and get out safe) and we did battle drills for a while.
Most people seemed to enjoy the day; part of our class went the day before and they had someone throw up and a class before us had some idiot not wear goggles so he got hit in the eye with a weapon and had to be taken to the hospital. But no one in our group today got hurt, banged up a bit.. yes, but some people loved it. Goodtimes =)
Sunday, May 23, 2010
CST
So alot has happened. I said goodbye to my amazing, funny son the other day, but I was too sad and busy to make time to blog about it. I arrived at my Combat Skills Training for my deployment yesterday and trying to square everything at home before I left was an adventure. Of course I'm finding that there's a bunch of stuff I forgot (my flashlight, PT pants and jacket, and other misc items), but it could be worse. Hey, at least I eventually got a little bit of sleep last night (I was up for 44 hours with maybe an hour nap on my flight here!)
I'm currently sharing a room with 7 other females (who got in later than me and made a ruckus while I was trying to sleep!) and in about an hour and a half the entire training class has a briefing and then the fun begins. I'll be here for a month and the rules are simple but understandably sucky, lol. No drinking, no leaving base, no civilian clothes, no gambling, no porn, no driving or riding in any non-government vehicle so there's some-- have yet to be seen-- shuttle that we're supposed to use to get from point A to point B on base/post. Well time for me to do work left over from my base, hopefully I'll be done with it sooner than later so I can fully concentrate on my training and deployment.
I'm currently sharing a room with 7 other females (who got in later than me and made a ruckus while I was trying to sleep!) and in about an hour and a half the entire training class has a briefing and then the fun begins. I'll be here for a month and the rules are simple but understandably sucky, lol. No drinking, no leaving base, no civilian clothes, no gambling, no porn, no driving or riding in any non-government vehicle so there's some-- have yet to be seen-- shuttle that we're supposed to use to get from point A to point B on base/post. Well time for me to do work left over from my base, hopefully I'll be done with it sooner than later so I can fully concentrate on my training and deployment.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Ouch!
Well, I got my Smallpox, Anthrax, Hep B and Thyphoid shots today and I am soooooo sore!!! The sad part about getting the shots though is that I have a niece who is only like two months old (who I never met) and although I'll meet her this weekend I won't be able to hold her since smallpox is a live virus and she's under a year of age =(
I really wanted to wait but there just isn't enough time so I'll have to be content with just looking at my beautiful niece. Well, I hope the smallpox doesn't leave a scar but I've kind of resigned myself to the fact it will. I'll guess we'll just have to wait and see. I'll try and post gross pics once I have a reaction!
I really wanted to wait but there just isn't enough time so I'll have to be content with just looking at my beautiful niece. Well, I hope the smallpox doesn't leave a scar but I've kind of resigned myself to the fact it will. I'll guess we'll just have to wait and see. I'll try and post gross pics once I have a reaction!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today
Today was supposed to be my CBT day (Computer Based Training) and whatever else I could fit in there for my deployment day. Well that kind of went out the window when Tyler's school called and said Tyler's left ear was "beet red" and it really hurt Ty and he couldn't hear well from it. Long story short it seems to be the beginnings of a potential ear infection. So I picked him up from school and took him to the doctor and basically there went my day. I feel like everything has been screwy and I hate when my little guy doesn't feel well. It's another set back but as always we'll get through it. Tomorrow is my CBRNE (Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear, and High Yield Explosive) training so hopefully no more calls.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Priorities
Here's what I posted on Facebook today:
"So I was gonna go into work today, but F*@% it I'm not. I have this weekend and next with Tyler then I won't see him for over 7 months-- he's my priority. If I have to work while he sleeps and not get any myself, then that's what I'll do."
As you can see I'm learning (slowly, but surely) that I need to keep sight of what's most important; and what's most important is my son. Yes, I still have packing to do, gear to pick up, training to do, immunization shots to get, and a checklist to complete, but I'll run around and do it during regular work hours. If that's not enough time then I'll bring home what work and things I can, and I'll do it after Ty's asleep. I can sleep when I'm dead, but if I don't live while I'm alive I might as well crawl in my grave now. I think we'll go see Iron Man 2 today and I'll go buy a Flip mini-camcorder to record his upcoming school play.
"So I was gonna go into work today, but F*@% it I'm not. I have this weekend and next with Tyler then I won't see him for over 7 months-- he's my priority. If I have to work while he sleeps and not get any myself, then that's what I'll do."
As you can see I'm learning (slowly, but surely) that I need to keep sight of what's most important; and what's most important is my son. Yes, I still have packing to do, gear to pick up, training to do, immunization shots to get, and a checklist to complete, but I'll run around and do it during regular work hours. If that's not enough time then I'll bring home what work and things I can, and I'll do it after Ty's asleep. I can sleep when I'm dead, but if I don't live while I'm alive I might as well crawl in my grave now. I think we'll go see Iron Man 2 today and I'll go buy a Flip mini-camcorder to record his upcoming school play.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Physical or Mental?
So I've heard of issues that children can have due to their parents deploying, but I guess I never really worried about it since my son Tyler is such a well-adjusted, well-behaved little boy. Now I'm not saying that he's now the complete opposite of a well-behaved child, but I am saying that I've now experienced first-hand just how much these things can affect kids.
A little bit after Rob left Tyler started complaining about stomach pains. It went on for a couple of days and since Tyler is not one to make things up I started getting concerned. I made him and appointment and just to be safe they did stomach x-rays. Other than seeming a bit "backed-up" it looked normal, but in case it was the reason for the pain they gave me stool softener for him. While I was there for his stomach pain I also let the doctor know that Tyler seemed to get tired faster than I would expect for a healthy 6-year-old boy. The Dr. ordered a bunch of blood tests and told me she would let me know the results. She also told me she wanted to see us again in a couple of weeks to see how Ty was doing.
Fast forward to the appointment a couple of weeks later. The new information was that it turns out Tyler's stored iron levels are low. He isn't anemic cause technically his blood iron levels were in range, but he could be if we didn't do something about it. So he now has to take iron supplements twice a day for three months. The downfall... potential constipation and guess what Tyler at this point was still complaining about stomach pain so the doc recommended he stay on the stool softeners for now. So lets talk about those stomachaches.
Based on the info from the doc (the being backed up and the iron deficiency) I figured Tyler had some legitimate issues but the frequency of the stomach pain seemed to increase everyday. My usually really good little boy got to the point he was crying daily, complaining about everything and anything and overall was being real whinny. Part of me was worried that something serious could be going on but the childcare provider, and the school, noticed nothing out of the ordinary and said Tyler didn't complain or even seem sick to them.
I started noticing that when I picked up Ty from childcare he was playing and having a good time but once momma was there he'd clutch his stomach and say it hurt.
I basically started telling him that if he was sick he had to rest and not watch TV or play video games etc. This was just in case he was making it up so I wasn't rewarding him and making him think that this was the way to get attention.
That didn't work. So I got even stricter. That didn't work either. So I started to try to ignore him when he did it. Ummm... guess what? That didn't work either.
Now when I say I ignored him I wasn't ignoring that he had pain, but instead I would tell him once he was done whining and freaking out we'd talk and I would ignore certain outbursts that seem to coincide with him not getting his way or me being busy (which is basically all the time due to this upcoming deployment). Well, I reached a breaking point the other day and basically cried with him. My 6-yr-old seems to have decided to resort to emotional blackmail and has thrown in my face the conversation I had with him a couple of weeks ago about me trying to spend more time with him. "Momma, you said you'd spend more time with me," says Tyler right when I tell him its time for bed. "Momma, you said you'd spend more time with me," says Tyler when I explain its a weekday so no video games. So now torn between guilt and worry I lose it and just cry and cry.
So crying doesn't do anything to help right, but breaking down showed me I needed to figure this out. So as soon as I got to work I started researching, since everyone told me it was probably mental stress that was causing Ty to act the way he was.
In my research I learned that even though the reason for the pain was probably mental, the physical pain was real and Tyler basically was telling the truth when he told me (more than once) "I wish you could be me for just one day momma, then you'd know that it does hurt and I'm telling the truth!"
Ok so I believe, what now? For starters I let him know that evening that if he was feeling good we'd have a special day and go to the zoo after school-- that night no pain. Then I took off the next day (the day before I posted this) and we went to the zoo, played mini-golf, went to batting cages and had dinner-- guess what? No pain all day. He seemed so happy. I explained to him that we wouldn't be able to hang out again till the weekend and the weekend after next is when I make the trip to drop off the love of my life. So what happened this morning? Any stomach pain? Nope! But it looks like he may have pinkeye... Ugh I can't win.
A little bit after Rob left Tyler started complaining about stomach pains. It went on for a couple of days and since Tyler is not one to make things up I started getting concerned. I made him and appointment and just to be safe they did stomach x-rays. Other than seeming a bit "backed-up" it looked normal, but in case it was the reason for the pain they gave me stool softener for him. While I was there for his stomach pain I also let the doctor know that Tyler seemed to get tired faster than I would expect for a healthy 6-year-old boy. The Dr. ordered a bunch of blood tests and told me she would let me know the results. She also told me she wanted to see us again in a couple of weeks to see how Ty was doing.
Fast forward to the appointment a couple of weeks later. The new information was that it turns out Tyler's stored iron levels are low. He isn't anemic cause technically his blood iron levels were in range, but he could be if we didn't do something about it. So he now has to take iron supplements twice a day for three months. The downfall... potential constipation and guess what Tyler at this point was still complaining about stomach pain so the doc recommended he stay on the stool softeners for now. So lets talk about those stomachaches.
Based on the info from the doc (the being backed up and the iron deficiency) I figured Tyler had some legitimate issues but the frequency of the stomach pain seemed to increase everyday. My usually really good little boy got to the point he was crying daily, complaining about everything and anything and overall was being real whinny. Part of me was worried that something serious could be going on but the childcare provider, and the school, noticed nothing out of the ordinary and said Tyler didn't complain or even seem sick to them.
I started noticing that when I picked up Ty from childcare he was playing and having a good time but once momma was there he'd clutch his stomach and say it hurt.
I basically started telling him that if he was sick he had to rest and not watch TV or play video games etc. This was just in case he was making it up so I wasn't rewarding him and making him think that this was the way to get attention.
That didn't work. So I got even stricter. That didn't work either. So I started to try to ignore him when he did it. Ummm... guess what? That didn't work either.
Now when I say I ignored him I wasn't ignoring that he had pain, but instead I would tell him once he was done whining and freaking out we'd talk and I would ignore certain outbursts that seem to coincide with him not getting his way or me being busy (which is basically all the time due to this upcoming deployment). Well, I reached a breaking point the other day and basically cried with him. My 6-yr-old seems to have decided to resort to emotional blackmail and has thrown in my face the conversation I had with him a couple of weeks ago about me trying to spend more time with him. "Momma, you said you'd spend more time with me," says Tyler right when I tell him its time for bed. "Momma, you said you'd spend more time with me," says Tyler when I explain its a weekday so no video games. So now torn between guilt and worry I lose it and just cry and cry.
So crying doesn't do anything to help right, but breaking down showed me I needed to figure this out. So as soon as I got to work I started researching, since everyone told me it was probably mental stress that was causing Ty to act the way he was.
In my research I learned that even though the reason for the pain was probably mental, the physical pain was real and Tyler basically was telling the truth when he told me (more than once) "I wish you could be me for just one day momma, then you'd know that it does hurt and I'm telling the truth!"
Ok so I believe, what now? For starters I let him know that evening that if he was feeling good we'd have a special day and go to the zoo after school-- that night no pain. Then I took off the next day (the day before I posted this) and we went to the zoo, played mini-golf, went to batting cages and had dinner-- guess what? No pain all day. He seemed so happy. I explained to him that we wouldn't be able to hang out again till the weekend and the weekend after next is when I make the trip to drop off the love of my life. So what happened this morning? Any stomach pain? Nope! But it looks like he may have pinkeye... Ugh I can't win.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Too Much, No Time
I have to have everything in order by May 14th for my deployment since I am going to Afghanistan straight from training. I'm way behind with what I need to do and I really don't know how I'm going to accomplish all that must be done. Here's SOME of my "still needs to be done" list:
-Order all my deployment gear, which may not get here in time since I leave so soon (everything from flame resistant/retardant uniforms and undergarments to boots and cold weather gear)
-Get all my vaccinations and medical stuff done (Anthrax shot, Smallpox,etc)
-Fire/qualify on the weapons I'm deploying with (a whole day event)
-Create a will and some other still pending legal documents
-Take a bunch of computer training courses
-Go to a bunch of training classes for my deployment (a couple of days worth of classes)
-Buy and ship the items Rob still needs for his deployment
-Sign my new lease and send along with a copy of the Power of Attorney I have since I will have to sign for Rob (he's already gone)
-Make an appt with Tyler's school to get a transfer letter for his new school where my mom lives. Also get his report card since I'm taking him out of school early
-Disenroll him from medical and dental in this area and get him enrolled where my mom is at
-Gather necessary documents for my son (birth certificate, ss card etc)
-Take Tyler to another Dr's appt
-Go to my follow-up dental appt
-Take off work to go to my son's final school play
-Buy Tyler a mattress, school supplies, clothes and other necessary items once I get him to my mom's and get him settled in
-Change over 10 acct to automatic payments and set-up payments for my mom, the person who is watching my house and the person who is watching my dog
-Schedule a vet appt for my pitbull in case the person watching her can't and I have to ship her to my mother-in-law on a plane
-Pack and drive to my brother's basic training graduation (very important for him and me because he's like my son, but the trip will take 5 days so everything is at a standstill for that time)
-Drop off both dogs to a friends house for my trip to my brother's graduation then pick them up when I get back
-Pack for my deployment and training
-Figure out who's going to drive me to the airport that's 2 hours away when its time to leave (not anyone can do it, cause I'll have weapons)
-Drive 9 hours to my mom's house with a child and two dogs by myself (I figure the trip will take at least 12 hours)
-Drive 9 hours back home to drive 2 hours to the airport to leave
-Figure out what to do with my mail (the post office website says it'll only hold for 30 days and I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk the person watching my house forgetting to chk my mailbox frequently enough that no one will be tipped off that my house is empty)
-Clean up, wash clothes, mow the lawn, and do other home stuff that has seemed to pile up because I've been working alot/extra
-Confirm that I won't have problems getting back in the country because my birth certificate will be invalid when I get back. I'm Puerto Rican and July 1st there are no good so it could affect my passport
-Send my property mgr, for the house I own in another state, a $1000 of just in case money and directions on who to reach in case there are any issues while I'm gone
-Give a number of people everyone else's contact info (I'm kinda losing track of who needs what cause there are so many that need each others info-- i.e. landlord and property mgr needs my mom's info and the person house sitting, my mom needs everyone's, my job needs my mom's and the house sitter's, my job needs my hubby and some other people, person watching my cat needs info too... so on and so forth)
-Leave a lockbox with instructions, acct numbers and a bunch of other stuff for my husband when he gets back on who to call, what to turn back on, and what payments to stop since he gets back months before I do
-Get issue and trained on certain equipment needed for my deployment
-Take a Physical Training test before I go and pass even though I haven't had time to work-out
-Find a place to store my husband's truck
-A bunch of other stuff but I don't have enough time to write it... sigh... =(
Oh yeah and I'm still working regular hours and have a bunch of tasks that need to be completed there... this list is in addition to working. That is a completely seperate list
-Order all my deployment gear, which may not get here in time since I leave so soon (everything from flame resistant/retardant uniforms and undergarments to boots and cold weather gear)
-Get all my vaccinations and medical stuff done (Anthrax shot, Smallpox,etc)
-Fire/qualify on the weapons I'm deploying with (a whole day event)
-Create a will and some other still pending legal documents
-Take a bunch of computer training courses
-Go to a bunch of training classes for my deployment (a couple of days worth of classes)
-Buy and ship the items Rob still needs for his deployment
-Sign my new lease and send along with a copy of the Power of Attorney I have since I will have to sign for Rob (he's already gone)
-Make an appt with Tyler's school to get a transfer letter for his new school where my mom lives. Also get his report card since I'm taking him out of school early
-Disenroll him from medical and dental in this area and get him enrolled where my mom is at
-Gather necessary documents for my son (birth certificate, ss card etc)
-Take Tyler to another Dr's appt
-Go to my follow-up dental appt
-Take off work to go to my son's final school play
-Buy Tyler a mattress, school supplies, clothes and other necessary items once I get him to my mom's and get him settled in
-Change over 10 acct to automatic payments and set-up payments for my mom, the person who is watching my house and the person who is watching my dog
-Schedule a vet appt for my pitbull in case the person watching her can't and I have to ship her to my mother-in-law on a plane
-Pack and drive to my brother's basic training graduation (very important for him and me because he's like my son, but the trip will take 5 days so everything is at a standstill for that time)
-Drop off both dogs to a friends house for my trip to my brother's graduation then pick them up when I get back
-Pack for my deployment and training
-Figure out who's going to drive me to the airport that's 2 hours away when its time to leave (not anyone can do it, cause I'll have weapons)
-Drive 9 hours to my mom's house with a child and two dogs by myself (I figure the trip will take at least 12 hours)
-Drive 9 hours back home to drive 2 hours to the airport to leave
-Figure out what to do with my mail (the post office website says it'll only hold for 30 days and I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk the person watching my house forgetting to chk my mailbox frequently enough that no one will be tipped off that my house is empty)
-Clean up, wash clothes, mow the lawn, and do other home stuff that has seemed to pile up because I've been working alot/extra
-Confirm that I won't have problems getting back in the country because my birth certificate will be invalid when I get back. I'm Puerto Rican and July 1st there are no good so it could affect my passport
-Send my property mgr, for the house I own in another state, a $1000 of just in case money and directions on who to reach in case there are any issues while I'm gone
-Give a number of people everyone else's contact info (I'm kinda losing track of who needs what cause there are so many that need each others info-- i.e. landlord and property mgr needs my mom's info and the person house sitting, my mom needs everyone's, my job needs my mom's and the house sitter's, my job needs my hubby and some other people, person watching my cat needs info too... so on and so forth)
-Leave a lockbox with instructions, acct numbers and a bunch of other stuff for my husband when he gets back on who to call, what to turn back on, and what payments to stop since he gets back months before I do
-Get issue and trained on certain equipment needed for my deployment
-Take a Physical Training test before I go and pass even though I haven't had time to work-out
-Find a place to store my husband's truck
-A bunch of other stuff but I don't have enough time to write it... sigh... =(
Oh yeah and I'm still working regular hours and have a bunch of tasks that need to be completed there... this list is in addition to working. That is a completely seperate list
Sunday, April 25, 2010
In Loco Parentis
In Loco Parentis:
"Latin for in place of parent. The legal doctrine under which an individual assumes parental rights, duties, and obligations without going through the formalities of legal Adoption."
I've signed two of these for my upcoming deployment. One for my mom, who is going to care for my son for the six months my husband and I are both gone at the same time, and the other for my husband's aunt in the event something happens (my husband's parents watched Tyler last time we were both gone so when Rob's aunt asked if she could be the back-up we said of course) and my mom needs someone else to care for my most precious treasure... Tyler.
As scary as an In Loco Parentis is (scary at least to me because you're giving parental rights to someone else), I have to say I am blessed.
I've met single and dual military service members who don't have the options that I have when it comes to their child. Not only is my mom and my husband's parents willing and eager to watch my son Tyler, my husband's aunt and uncle are ready to care for my son, my sister wants a turn, and there are other family members who I can say without hesitation, would gladly take my son long-term if we needed them to! Not everyone can say that and as hard as it is to sign those papers, I know... truly know... that my son is loved and has a number of places he can call home.
In addition to the local parentis, my husband and I have a family care plan and in the -hopefully unlikely- event of us both dying, my husband's parents will become Tyler's guardians (a decision we made since my mom would be a single parent) and although my mom understands why, she cried and said just in case my will needs to give her visitation rights! =) Why do I smile at that you may wonder? That's because I'm touched and happy that it means so much to her.
When it comes to problems, if it's a problem to have people ready and willing to care for my son, and they care enough to get emotional over it then bring it on; I'm relieved to have that problem.
Now I did talk to my mom and reassure her that she has nothing to worry about. She now feels better, but also explained to me that the visitation part is non-negotiable, lol. Also, she is ecstatic that she will have Tyler for the six-month overlap my hubby and I will have. Well, I guess I better work on my will and I guess I better keep smiling because my son is loved-- and tough logistics or not, pertaining to getting everything in place, I have options!
"Latin for in place of parent. The legal doctrine under which an individual assumes parental rights, duties, and obligations without going through the formalities of legal Adoption."
I've signed two of these for my upcoming deployment. One for my mom, who is going to care for my son for the six months my husband and I are both gone at the same time, and the other for my husband's aunt in the event something happens (my husband's parents watched Tyler last time we were both gone so when Rob's aunt asked if she could be the back-up we said of course) and my mom needs someone else to care for my most precious treasure... Tyler.
As scary as an In Loco Parentis is (scary at least to me because you're giving parental rights to someone else), I have to say I am blessed.
I've met single and dual military service members who don't have the options that I have when it comes to their child. Not only is my mom and my husband's parents willing and eager to watch my son Tyler, my husband's aunt and uncle are ready to care for my son, my sister wants a turn, and there are other family members who I can say without hesitation, would gladly take my son long-term if we needed them to! Not everyone can say that and as hard as it is to sign those papers, I know... truly know... that my son is loved and has a number of places he can call home.
In addition to the local parentis, my husband and I have a family care plan and in the -hopefully unlikely- event of us both dying, my husband's parents will become Tyler's guardians (a decision we made since my mom would be a single parent) and although my mom understands why, she cried and said just in case my will needs to give her visitation rights! =) Why do I smile at that you may wonder? That's because I'm touched and happy that it means so much to her.
When it comes to problems, if it's a problem to have people ready and willing to care for my son, and they care enough to get emotional over it then bring it on; I'm relieved to have that problem.
Now I did talk to my mom and reassure her that she has nothing to worry about. She now feels better, but also explained to me that the visitation part is non-negotiable, lol. Also, she is ecstatic that she will have Tyler for the six-month overlap my hubby and I will have. Well, I guess I better work on my will and I guess I better keep smiling because my son is loved-- and tough logistics or not, pertaining to getting everything in place, I have options!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Doubt
Don't ever think us military folk don't ever doubt whether or not we should continue what we do. At least for me its something I go through ever now and then. Now when I say whether we should continue what we do I don't mean should we be part of a particular engagement, or should we have troops in certain countries-- I'm talking about should I stay in, should I care as much as I do, does what I do truly make a difference, or am I leaving my family and stressing about what plan I must have in place for nothing.
I have to think about... truly think about... what if I die. Dying for my country believe it or not for me is not the hard part, its knowing that if I did my son would be with out a mother-- that's what's hard. Sometimes you feel so underappreciated that you wonder why bother when all the good that we do as military rarely makes headlines or even the news. It's the bad that runs--if it bleeds, it leads-- but what about those of us that truly care and do the right thing, yet struggle daily with the thoughts of "am I wrong to deprive my family of ME for the greater good?"
Today was a doubt day, today was tough. I felt overwhelmed with work, taking care of my son and animals, projects and taskings that seem to keep dropping into my lap and the adminstrative stuff that I need to accomplish prior to deploying. And the deployment itself? Yup that's stressing me out too cause I haven't had the time to prepare.
My husband is already deployed so I'm currently a single parent in the military with a bunch of responsibilites that are getting harder and harder to juggle everyday. I almost wanted to give up. I wanted to just say I'm done, I can't... Uncle, Uncle, Uncle.
But thats not who I am. I wouldn't have joined the military if I wasn't tougher than that, so I cried, screamed, kicked my cabinet and punched my wall. Took a deep breath, cried some more, wiped my tears, rolled up my sleeves and started tackling work. Picked up my son, helped him with homework, cooked dinner, played with and exercised the dogs, helped my son pick toys he plans on selling at a garage sale this weekend, took some ibuprofen for the wisdom tooth I had removed last week and took a deep breath.
I do love the military and I do love that I can hold my head up high when I say what I do, but every now and then it can overwhelm you. I won't see my 6-year-old little boy for over 7 months and my husband for about 10. That's my life and that's not easy, but I'll get through it and I'll be stronger for it.
I have to think about... truly think about... what if I die. Dying for my country believe it or not for me is not the hard part, its knowing that if I did my son would be with out a mother-- that's what's hard. Sometimes you feel so underappreciated that you wonder why bother when all the good that we do as military rarely makes headlines or even the news. It's the bad that runs--if it bleeds, it leads-- but what about those of us that truly care and do the right thing, yet struggle daily with the thoughts of "am I wrong to deprive my family of ME for the greater good?"
Today was a doubt day, today was tough. I felt overwhelmed with work, taking care of my son and animals, projects and taskings that seem to keep dropping into my lap and the adminstrative stuff that I need to accomplish prior to deploying. And the deployment itself? Yup that's stressing me out too cause I haven't had the time to prepare.
My husband is already deployed so I'm currently a single parent in the military with a bunch of responsibilites that are getting harder and harder to juggle everyday. I almost wanted to give up. I wanted to just say I'm done, I can't... Uncle, Uncle, Uncle.
But thats not who I am. I wouldn't have joined the military if I wasn't tougher than that, so I cried, screamed, kicked my cabinet and punched my wall. Took a deep breath, cried some more, wiped my tears, rolled up my sleeves and started tackling work. Picked up my son, helped him with homework, cooked dinner, played with and exercised the dogs, helped my son pick toys he plans on selling at a garage sale this weekend, took some ibuprofen for the wisdom tooth I had removed last week and took a deep breath.
I do love the military and I do love that I can hold my head up high when I say what I do, but every now and then it can overwhelm you. I won't see my 6-year-old little boy for over 7 months and my husband for about 10. That's my life and that's not easy, but I'll get through it and I'll be stronger for it.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Ugh....
...Ugh! So go figure-- the weekend right after Rob left for his deployment (last weekend) I had to work all weekend for a base military exercise. Now this weekend there is an base Open House so I have to work again =( In theory I should have someone willing to watch my son at any time and technically I do, but I hate bothering people. It'd be different if it was for the big important stuff (like a short -notice deployment and specific "we need to help America now" stuff), but for things like an Open House I find it hard to say "Can you watch my son for the weekend again?" Especially with me deploying in about a month.
In a sense it makes me feel like a bad mom, even though I know that's not the case. I have to leave my son for 7 months to train and deploy soon but in the month right before it I have to work during the week and weekends.
Now please don't mistake this as complaining about the military cause I'm not. I really do love the fact that I'm serving and I understand it's a sacrifice. It's just hard talking to other moms out there who hear my situation and say "I don't know how you do it, I could never leave my child." I know alot of times they mean well when they say it, but what does that mean? Does that mean they think I'm wrong for doing it? Trust me, it's insanely hard to leave my amazing little boy, but I do my best to make sure my time with him is quality time and I feel that I serve for him as well. After I'm long gone my son will still be here and the actions of the military can affect the future of the country my little boy calls home.
I know I just need to suck it up (as they say in the military). I just need to find someone to watch him and press on, but mentally and logistically it seems like such a challenge. I guess I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now trying to prepare for a deployment with my husband already gone and the timing of these weekend events really suck. My time with Tyler is limited as is and the only people I know here to watch him are spouses of fellow military members who are currently deployed. Basically that means I'm asking single moms to watch my son so I can work and I hate having to do that. Also, I'm reaallllly picky about who watches my son which is why I'm probably finding it so hard. In the military or not I feel that's a right I need to never give up. My son is too important for just anyone to watch him. I've seen ALOT of bad parenting out there and I would be a bad parent if I let him go to someone's house if I was concerned on how they treated their own kids.
Wish me luck, I still haven't figured out who's gonna watch him while I work this weekend.
In a sense it makes me feel like a bad mom, even though I know that's not the case. I have to leave my son for 7 months to train and deploy soon but in the month right before it I have to work during the week and weekends.
Now please don't mistake this as complaining about the military cause I'm not. I really do love the fact that I'm serving and I understand it's a sacrifice. It's just hard talking to other moms out there who hear my situation and say "I don't know how you do it, I could never leave my child." I know alot of times they mean well when they say it, but what does that mean? Does that mean they think I'm wrong for doing it? Trust me, it's insanely hard to leave my amazing little boy, but I do my best to make sure my time with him is quality time and I feel that I serve for him as well. After I'm long gone my son will still be here and the actions of the military can affect the future of the country my little boy calls home.
I know I just need to suck it up (as they say in the military). I just need to find someone to watch him and press on, but mentally and logistically it seems like such a challenge. I guess I'm just a bit overwhelmed right now trying to prepare for a deployment with my husband already gone and the timing of these weekend events really suck. My time with Tyler is limited as is and the only people I know here to watch him are spouses of fellow military members who are currently deployed. Basically that means I'm asking single moms to watch my son so I can work and I hate having to do that. Also, I'm reaallllly picky about who watches my son which is why I'm probably finding it so hard. In the military or not I feel that's a right I need to never give up. My son is too important for just anyone to watch him. I've seen ALOT of bad parenting out there and I would be a bad parent if I let him go to someone's house if I was concerned on how they treated their own kids.
Wish me luck, I still haven't figured out who's gonna watch him while I work this weekend.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Amazing Video
A friend of mine uploaded this link to facebook and it hit so close to home. I cried for awhile after viewing it. I know he'll be ok, but it's still gonna be really hard to be away from my little boy for such a long time. It hurts knowing that he won't be with me or my husband for such a long time. I'm gonna miss him so much. Copy and paste the link if you want to check out the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU&feature=channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU&feature=channel
He Left Two Days Ago
I said goodbye to the hubby on Thursday. We almost didn't get there in time for him to make his flight so although I knew I could get a pass to say my goodbyes behind security at first I thought it didn't make any sense to do so-- he would be boarding the plane almost immediately. Yet as I watched him as he went through security and the TSA person asked if I knew about the policy for deploying members I regretted my hasty decision and ran to try and get a pass. It was too late and my hubby, best friend and fellow AF member boarded his plane for pre-deployment training. I somehow even managed to miss his "I won't see you in a very long time, take care, I love you and our 6-year-old little boy" wave to me.
After training, my husband of 7 years is going straight to the desert. I'm deploying soon after so I won't see him for over 9 months. He's going to a different deployment location than I am so hopefully keeping in touch from two different deployed locations won't be too hard. I'm scheduled to go to Afghanistan and although we were preparing for my deployment, my husband's was short-notice so I have alot to do in a very short period of time. I have a son, two dogs, a cat, two fish and a house that will be empty for 6 months. We'll figure it out, we have to, but every time our plan for our dual absence seems set, something goes wrong.
For example the person who was our plan B for watching our 7-month pitbull puppy now can't do it. In the larger scope of things-- not the end of the world. For me right now with a husband who just left, a completely unchecked deployment checklist, a child who got sick yesterday and as a military member in the middle of a base exercise, in which I'm an evaluator for an undermanned shop, it was a moment that felt like it would break me. I'm so stressed and on top of it all I'm kinda sad.
A luxury I can't afford right now so I better figure it all out.
After training, my husband of 7 years is going straight to the desert. I'm deploying soon after so I won't see him for over 9 months. He's going to a different deployment location than I am so hopefully keeping in touch from two different deployed locations won't be too hard. I'm scheduled to go to Afghanistan and although we were preparing for my deployment, my husband's was short-notice so I have alot to do in a very short period of time. I have a son, two dogs, a cat, two fish and a house that will be empty for 6 months. We'll figure it out, we have to, but every time our plan for our dual absence seems set, something goes wrong.
For example the person who was our plan B for watching our 7-month pitbull puppy now can't do it. In the larger scope of things-- not the end of the world. For me right now with a husband who just left, a completely unchecked deployment checklist, a child who got sick yesterday and as a military member in the middle of a base exercise, in which I'm an evaluator for an undermanned shop, it was a moment that felt like it would break me. I'm so stressed and on top of it all I'm kinda sad.
A luxury I can't afford right now so I better figure it all out.
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