PFC Manning fiasco

I seriously wonder if people truly understand the ramifications of what they are saying when they say they are for Manning. In case you haven't heard anything about what I'm referencing read the story I linked to below:

Manning’s personal struggles key to defense

Ok now that, that's out of the way, here's why I think it's ridiculous for people to support him. Yes, I understand that the American public has to right to know certain things, but if our government and military was completely transparent with everything, then we could NOT effectively protect American lives from people and countries that want to harm us and the American way of life.

You cannot have it both ways. The principle is what is on trial here. If you say it's ok for someone with a security clearance to divulge information they are privy to, you are effectively saying we might as well not have security clearances and you are effectively saying complete transparency with other governments is acceptable.

In a perfect world sure, but that is not the reality of the world we live in, and the U.S.'s obsession with knowing everything, puts the lives of Americans at risk-- the lives not only of the ones who serve, but also the lives of the people our military is duty-bound to protect. If you truly want to protect our freedoms, siding with someone who pretty much betrayed our government's trust isn't the way to do it... it's actually putting our freedoms at jeopardy.

Not having another child

Sigh
The question has come up again and this time from my 8-year-old son. Everyone seems to think that I should have another child because that of course would be great... right? Well, not so much for me.

My son wants me to have another child so he has a playmate and he is the only reason I go through stages where I feel horrible for denying him a sibling. Everyone else on the other hand (especially mothers) look at me like something is wrong with me when I say I'm done having children. I do not feel horrible about others, but a wide array of emotions smack me in the face when those people tell me...over and over again... that I should have another child.

It's not that I don't love children because I do. It's not because I don't think about holding a new baby of my own and experiencing once again the mother-child bond that can never be replaced, but my main reason is the military and I have a problem with people who make me feel like I'm a bad mother for that-- because trust me they are people who make me feel less than a woman for the decisions I have made in my life.

My original plan was to have two children. And I wanted my children two to three years apart. Actually to be more specific, in a perfect world I would have adopted my second child, but that wasn't and still isn't in the cards for my family.

My husband and I are both in the military and we are both in career fields that deploy often. When I first joined I felt that having two children would not be an issue. Yes, if I deployed I would miss them but deploying is part of my military obligation, it's part of my duty. I signed up to serve my country so I can and I will deal with it the best way possible. Yes, that all still holds true but now that I have my son Tyler and know the parts of a new baby's life I could possibly miss I'm not willing to have another child. I have my son Tyler who can communicate with me, unlike a baby, and that's already hard enough on both of us.

Don't get me wrong this isn't a "woe is me" moment. I choose this life, but I struggle enough with putting my 8-year-old through constant separations and it isn't easy. We do all we can to make it as bearable as possible, my husband and I try are best to give him structure and routine, but the truth of the matter is there has been many times-- at a moments notice-- mommy or daddy have to go and sometimes we're gone at the same time. My son has already had to live with his grandma and grandpa (from my husband's side) for more than 5 months, and another time recently with my mom for 8 months because both my husband and I were deployed.


So I have made a conscious decision that the times I am home, my focus is my son-- my one and only child. The child who I can communicate with during my absences. My son, who has despite everything, has adapted incredibility well to the life my family lives.

I decided I don't want to, at this stage in my life, bring another child into this mix because if I do I'm seriously thinking about getting out of the military, but the truth of the matter is I feel I am MEANT to be in the military. I want to serve and make a difference.

Yes, I go through stages where I wanna cry and give up. Leaving my son last time for 8 months because I had to go to Afghanistan was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my time with my son is about quality not quantity. Many times I feel judged by stay at home spouses who look at me and say "I don't know how you do it, I can't even leave my child overnight." I applaud those women for what they do, but some say it in such a way that they make it seem that I'm this horrible person for serving in the military.

I have many times heard questions and statements like "How can you do it?" "Don't you miss him?" and the always great "I don't understand how you can leave your child, I could never do that. I love my children too much." Sometimes I want to reply "Duh, of course I miss him" but then I'm seen as a bitch. Never once does the person saying that realize what insensitive questions some of those are. One of those questions for example implies I actually may not miss my amazing little boy. Here's what I think about that. Some moms can be with their children 24/7 and be horrendous moms, while some with their children all the time are amazing.

So guess what, just because my life is different from yours please don't make me feel like I'm a bad mother. It's like anything else-- some women who have time-demanding jobs are great mothers, and yes... some suck. I LOVE my son to no end, and I feel that my serving isn't against him, it's for him. I'm actively affecting the world he lives in by doing my part. You affect the world your child lives in a different way. Neither more honorable or better.

I struggle and beat myself up enough as is, so I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So when you ask me, are you gonna have any more children and I answer no, do me a favor and don't gasp with a look of horror on your face. We need to all be supportive of each other, because none of our jobs are easy. So military women, take comfort in knowing that you can serve and be a great mother. Military spouses be the best parent you can and please help support all those who do serve to include military moms. And to all with any association in supporting the military know that I applaud you for your sacrifice, whatever that sacrifice may be.

Also for the record, my son and I just had the conversation about having another child. He now understands that if I had a child now, the baby wouldn't really be a playmate because of the age difference they would have. We agreed that we'd try our best for him to have more sleepovers. Him and I together work on solutions to him being an only child and in a military family.

RIP. Alot of time has passed/Update

Wow, my last post was August 2010. So much has happened since then. I'm not going to try and explain the last year and a half, but since my last post was about how amazing the guys from 3rd group are, it only seems fitting I give an update on their loss... actually scratch that OUR loss-- America's loss.

From left to right: Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, Sgt. 1st Class Martin R. Apolinar and Sgt. Aaron J. Blasjo. The fallen were members of Operational Detachment Alpha 3333, Company C, 3rd Battalion, 3rd SFG (A) and were killed in combat May 29.

Since this happened earlier this year, May 29, 2011, I'm going to use excerpt from a commentary I wrote to explain it and then a a personal note from my Facebook since that was how I felt at that time. Not that anything's changed, but it was raw emotion then. Now it's just emotional.

An excerpt from my commentary that gives a description of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, a man I'm honored to have known:

"Three amazing men, U.S. Army Green Berets, recently died in an Afghanistan IED blast. One I didn't know, one I knew in passing, and one was someone I playfully called a cross between Eddie Munster and the guy from Twilight (because of his bright eyes). You'd probably think so too if you saw how he looked in person and maybe even add the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland because he was always smiling a huge grin that came easily and often. His name was Marty."

The next excerpt mentioned the other men lost from that unit that day. And not only did my heart cry for them, but also for those that knew them. They have lost SO many! I can't imagine how the deaths of so many friends affects someone. I wasn't exactly in the best shape when I found out and I only knew him from one deployment. It hurt so much and I didn't even have the bonds his brothers-in-arms and friends had with him.

"I was attached to people who are the heroes we read about. And if I wasn't here at XXXXX, part of the unit I'm in, I wouldn't have made lasting friendships. I wouldn't have those still in Afghanistan who I worry and pray for every day. Even though that's not easy, I wouldn't change knowing them. I am a better person for it. However much on the sidelines, whether I was allowed a glimpse into their world, or had the door actually opened with others, I "get" the bonds they share. I cried for the loss of U.S. Army Staff Sergeant Martin Apolinar, U.S. Army Capt. Joseph W. Schultz, and U.S. Army Sergeant Aaron Blasjo, and then I cried for all the others we lost before them. My heart broke when I heard the news of their deaths, which ironically occurred on Memorial Day weekend. Their deaths scared me because there are others in Special Forces who I am closer to."

Ok now here's my personal note on FB. This is what I felt the day I found out.

I Don't Get It
June 2, 2011 at 10:33pm

I got on my knees to pray, to ask God to look after them
I asked to help the families and the brothers in arms

I started out... reaching out... to God
but as I prayed I couldn't lie to Him or myself
I don't get it, I don't understand

Everything happens for a reason right?
A greater good? An end result we can't see?
but I DON'T GET IT

I can usually come up with a far fetched reason why things are ok,
and will get better,
but right now I DON'T GET IT

I'm not trying to be a disobedient daughter Lord
I'm just trying to make sense where I see none

I can't see the why and I have to ask, why pray if they die anyway?
I'm sure they had people to pray for their safety ...
but it didn't work

I DON'T GET IT

Those remaining do I pray for them? Do I ask for their safe return?
Does it help?
I have and I will,l but now I doubt cause God--
forgive me for saying this--
... I truly don't get it

I can't see why he had to go, I can't see why they weren't spared
I can't see why we have war,
but despite what comes with it I will never turn my back,
and I'm willing to go too

I will follow my brothers and sisters to the end
if that's what it takes for our freedoms
but that doesn't mean I GET IT,
it just means I care and will do my part

Cause I'm struggling with this one and I don't get it
... not sure I ever will

Ok so that's my update. There's been other things, other struggles, and things I have learned from my experience there. I keep in touch with a number of the guys and the brief time (in the the larger scope of things) seems like an eternity, because I truly love them and will always be there for any that need me. Maybe it's not the same for them, but it doesn't matter. That deployment affected me cause the reality of what they go through, and what they do, reached to the core of my soul.

I am better for knowing them

So it's been awhile and so much has happened. There are so many little stories and experiences that I'm not sure where to begin or how to give the update. I guess I'll start with the fact that I'm humbled and I have met some amazing people. I'm attached to a Special Forces here so I am proud to say I know a number of Green Berets. I have to admit all things considered they don't really fit into what I would have stereotyped them as, had I done that (which I didn't).

The dedication to the mission they have is amazing and we (Americans) no matter how you feel about having the U.S. in battle could learn a thing or two about selflessness, camaraderie, and fortitude from these guys. My life is richer at having met these amazing individuals and while I now know some details and stories, there not my stories to tell. Instead I just want to say give a prayer and thanks to those who have given their all because we owe a debt of gratitude for their commitment.

Much love to 3rd Special Forces Group as you head home, we'll see if those coming in, 7th Group, measure up to the amazing people I have met so far.

The Moment of Truth

So I'm waiting to board my plane to Afghanistan. It's time for my training and my love for my country to put itself to the test. I made a number of phone calls to family and friends while I've been waiting for my flight, which of course is delayed almost 2 hours as the military is all about hurry up and wait =). Alot of people have been asking me if I'm scared or worried and some of my friends (mainly those in the military) have asked in addition to those questions if I'm excited. The answer is a combination. I'm excited to go start my mission and do my part, but at the same time I'd be a fool if I wasn't somewhat worried. Does the worry consume me? No. I have to have faith that I'll be ok. I have to be positive and not lose sight of my mission because nothing is gained by stressing and dwelling on negative things.

I'm as ready as I'll be mentally. I've said my farewells, I'm gonna miss my son terribly (actually I already miss him a bunch since I haven't seen him for a month and a half), but I'm ready to go and do my job.

Well I gotta run for now. once I have communication assigned in country i will update what I can. The saga begins.

Quick and dirty

So there's alot to catch up on, but the internet at my training location sucks so this is going to be short and sweet! Some of the training we've had is CLS (Combat Life Savers) course where we learned care under fire, other actions for a combat environment and had to give each other IVs (which was interesting trust me!). We also had combatives were we got to got to throw other around (which was fun!) and now we're going over some basic outside the wire operations which leaves us all sweaty from running around in full battle rattle all day. All in all things have been good, I'm just waiting to finally be in country so I can figure out exactly what I'll be doing for the next six months. I'm ready to get there and work plus then the clock starts ticking for me to come back which means my countdown back to my son and husband begins!

H.E.A.T

HMMWV Egress Assistance Trainer was on the agenda for training today and although I'm a bit beat up from it, I thought it was great initial training.

You know how at amusement parks there's those roller-coaster simulator rides, well picture that on steroids without the movie screen. You have a fire team (in full battle rattle) in a HMMWV simulator that rolls you over... and over and over... depending on the instructors' moods. Alot of times they have the smallest person up in the turret since in a rollover that person can get thrown around and a smaller person is easier for other personnel in the vehicle to secure and hold on to. Guess who was the gunner... yours truly!

Oh yeah and don't think for a moment that the vehicle rolls a couple of times and then goes upright and you get out-- not so much lol! After all the rolling it'll either be on its side or upside down. And then of course you have to make sure everyone can get out, grab equipment and weapons, then exit the vehicle tactically, ready to engage any enemy (and of course in training small arms fire is a must, as is fire and someone getting shot).

My team did a pretty good job holding on to me, but it still didn't stop the equipment flying around from hitting me once or twice or getting manhandled while they tried there best not to lose their grip as we were all tossed around... it was a great day =) It was hot with all our all gear, we were all ridiculously sweaty when we were done, but we learned something that could save our lives or someone else's. There was a bit more to it, tactics and procedure wise, but without going into unnecessary detail I think you all get the idea. My team was extra hot since I volunteered my team to demonstrate (pure selfishness on wanting to make sure my team knew enough to hold me properly and get out safe) and we did battle drills for a while.

Most people seemed to enjoy the day; part of our class went the day before and they had someone throw up and a class before us had some idiot not wear goggles so he got hit in the eye with a weapon and had to be taken to the hospital. But no one in our group today got hurt, banged up a bit.. yes, but some people loved it. Goodtimes =)