SighThe question has come up again and this time from my 8-year-old son. Everyone seems to think that I should have another child because that of course would be great... right? Well, not so much for me.
My son wants me to have another child so he has a playmate and he is the only reason I go through stages where I feel horrible for denying him a sibling. Everyone else on the other hand (especially mothers) look at me like something is wrong with me when I say I'm done having children. I do not feel horrible about others, but a wide array of emotions smack me in the face when those people tell me...over and over again... that I should have another child.
It's not that I don't love children because I do. It's not because I don't think about holding a new baby of my own and experiencing once again the mother-child bond that can never be replaced, but my main reason is the military and I have a problem with people who make me feel like I'm a bad mother for that-- because trust me they are people who make me feel less than a woman for the decisions I have made in my life.
My original plan was to have two children. And I wanted my children two to three years apart. Actually to be more specific, in a perfect world I would have adopted my second child, but that wasn't and still isn't in the cards for my family.
My husband and I are both in the military and we are both in career fields that deploy often. When I first joined I felt that having two children would not be an issue. Yes, if I deployed I would miss them but deploying is part of my military obligation, it's part of my duty. I signed up to serve my country so I can and I will deal with it the best way possible. Yes, that all still holds true but now that I have my son Tyler and know the parts of a new baby's life I could possibly miss I'm not willing to have another child. I have my son Tyler who can communicate with me, unlike a baby, and that's already hard enough on both of us.
Don't get me wrong this isn't a "woe is me" moment. I choose this life, but I struggle enough with putting my 8-year-old through constant separations and it isn't easy. We do all we can to make it as bearable as possible, my husband and I try are best to give him structure and routine, but the truth of the matter is there has been many times-- at a moments notice-- mommy or daddy have to go and sometimes we're gone at the same time. My son has already had to live with his grandma and grandpa (from my husband's side) for more than 5 months, and another time recently with my mom for 8 months because both my husband and I were deployed.
So I have made a conscious decision that the times I am home, my focus is my son-- my one and only child. The child who I can communicate with during my absences. My son, who has despite everything, has adapted incredibility well to the life my family lives.
I decided I don't want to, at this stage in my life, bring another child into this mix because if I do I'm seriously thinking about getting out of the military, but the truth of the matter is I feel I am MEANT to be in the military. I want to serve and make a difference.
Yes, I go through stages where I wanna cry and give up. Leaving my son last time for 8 months because I had to go to Afghanistan was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my time with my son is about quality not quantity. Many times I feel judged by stay at home spouses who look at me and say "I don't know how you do it, I can't even leave my child overnight." I applaud those women for what they do, but some say it in such a way that they make it seem that I'm this horrible person for serving in the military.
I have many times heard questions and statements like "How can you do it?" "Don't you miss him?" and the always great "I don't understand how you can leave your child, I could never do that. I love my children too much." Sometimes I want to reply "Duh, of course I miss him" but then I'm seen as a bitch. Never once does the person saying that realize what insensitive questions some of those are. One of those questions for example implies I actually may not miss my amazing little boy. Here's what I think about that. Some moms can be with their children 24/7 and be horrendous moms, while some with their children all the time are amazing.
So guess what, just because my life is different from yours please don't make me feel like I'm a bad mother. It's like anything else-- some women who have time-demanding jobs are great mothers, and yes... some suck. I LOVE my son to no end, and I feel that my serving isn't against him, it's for him. I'm actively affecting the world he lives in by doing my part. You affect the world your child lives in a different way. Neither more honorable or better.
I struggle and beat myself up enough as is, so I don't need anyone else to do it for me. So when you ask me, are you gonna have any more children and I answer no, do me a favor and don't gasp with a look of horror on your face. We need to all be supportive of each other, because none of our jobs are easy. So military women, take comfort in knowing that you can serve and be a great mother. Military spouses be the best parent you can and please help support all those who do serve to include military moms. And to all with any association in supporting the military know that I applaud you for your sacrifice, whatever that sacrifice may be.
Also for the record, my son and I just had the conversation about having another child. He now understands that if I had a child now, the baby wouldn't really be a playmate because of the age difference they would have. We agreed that we'd try our best for him to have more sleepovers. Him and I
together work on solutions to him being an only child and in a military family.
I seriously wonder if people truly understand the ramifications of what they are saying when they say they are for Manning. In case you haven't heard anything about what I'm referencing read the story I linked to below:
